In the past four months have been really tough for me. Stepping into new career life and it was a very steep learning curve. Everything I have done in office seems to be very sub-standard. Things learnt in school were far from practical. I need to fasten my learning speed and I kept squeezing new knowledge into my head. The stress doubled up with the financial-crisis at home when sometimes dad would have 50% pay-cut and that month will suddenly become hell.(I didn't have enough to go for date and etc) The weight is beyond monthly expenses as dad also in the midst of repaying debts after bumping into loan shark who he borrowed money from many years ago. Dad even got beaten up by the them.
Ministry and leadership issue has been very sticky and draining too. (this part i shall omit, but trust me it was really draining)
Doesn't sound bad enough? At this time, my past sexual abuse memories also suddenly came back and haunt me mercilessly. To the extend that sometimes I would be paralyzed by the memories/flash-backs and it affects other aspects of my life too, career, ministry and relationship. The photo-taking/video-taking sound coming from cameras/camcorders and awkward scenes flashes back in my mind all the time. It is damaging my soul entirely. Not forgetting that I just got into a relationship and it was also very tough in meeting the differences between me and girlfriend. We had quarrels here and there, dealing with insecurities. Sometimes I couldn't react properly to her because of the flash-backs. It got me too emotional and the sense of injustice caught up, and damaging the relationship sometimes. Everything is very discouraging and nothing seems to go right. I also faced some betrayals at this time and some close friends distant away. I felt so lonely and desperate. All these have caused my life to stopped in an unknown realm. I couldn't carry on. I wanted to kill myself.
I am very tired. At this state, I still have schedules on every evenings and I haven't really be resting. Ever since MPC started, I am on a 7days week full day packed for a month already. The only hour for me to rest is travelling and shitting. Seriously...
On one of the worst night, I remember after clearing some relationship issue with abigail and returned home early. I lied down on my bed and stare blanking at the ceiling and began to talk to God. I remembered how desperate my prayers were back then. I am literally begging God and tears start to flow from my cheeks. I kept the kind of desperate begging-prayers for several weeks. Sometimes I sensed a little revival in the spirit, but it wasn't consistent. Sometimes I sensed God's presence and were lifted up, but the next moment in the day when attacked by the flash backs, it brought me back to hell again. Once I'm affected by the flash-backs, I couldn't work and couldn't respond correctly to other things. I cried so much that even until today, sometimes my left eyelid would still be twitching. You know friends, all these struggles are no joke. I was literally destroyed physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and morally. But my story hasn't end yet, please continue to read on.
There wasn't an instant throughout like Moses meeting the burning bush. But I remember the mysterious strength constantly topping me up slowly day by day when I travel to work by bus. I spent time with God in bus. Whether I feel like praying or reading or not, I will force myself to do it. Soon about 2~3 weeks ago, I experienced an even more evident breakthrough in the spirit. The images still reoccurs but it wasn't as paralyzing. I could remind myself what happened and recall the scene without much damage. I can really sensed there is a protection from the Lord beyond explanation. At this time when my mind was guarded, soon my emotions also became stable. Spiritually there is also revival. I remembered how I prayed to God each day to ask Him to teach me to walk with Him all over again. I re-learned all my basics; went back to the fundamentals. Slowly as each day passes by, I found myself in love to worship Him even more. In the past, I used to enter the presence of God baseed on my worthiness(self-value). But now, God taught me about the true heart of worship. I learned to enter the presence of God not based on my value, but based on what He has done on the cross and based on His character. I truly understand it is by Jesus' blood I am redeemed and enabled into His presence. It is beyond deeds and works, but righteousness solely come from faith in Jesus Christ.
These few weeks of struggles, I humbly re-learn my walk with God and went back to the fundamentals. There is no big bang effect in how God revived me but it was a gradual process through daily lives. Everyday live genuinely in prayer and seeking His face. Even until today, I still have very deep struggles and find myself unworthy of Him. Yet I continue to worship Jesus because He deserves my praise and worship, and I will do it even if I am the worst person on earth. Nothing can stop me from worshiping Jesus(In book of Daniel he said, even if the Lord did not save us, we will not bow down to worship false god). I also finally understood the faith of Rahab. Rahab is a prostitute but yet is credited as a woman of faith in book of hebrews. Because Rahab did not look at the value of herself but at God. As lowly as she is, she chose to focus on God.
So am I fully restored from my struggles? No. But am I coping well with my life? Yes! By receiving strength from the Lord daily. The journey in bus to work is very important to me. It was the time I am restored and re-charged. So friends, I want to encourage you to receive Jesus into your life if you do not have a relationship with Him yet. He died on the cross and His blood cleansed our sin so that we can enter the presence of God without condemnation. Christianity is not about routine/ritual/religion. God is like a father, but a Heavenly Father who is the perfecter of our lives and the Creator of all forms of relationships. God desire a relationship with us. And when we know how much God loves us, we naturally will be able to love others as well. Everyday I share with God serious things, crappy things, or even pour out my emotions onto Him, and He even listen to my ranting of frustrations. He is like a good buddy, a Father, a King, a Protector etc.. He is the Creator of all forms of relationships. We all belongs to God. We are created by Him and only He knows how to help us to live a life to the fullest. Today I can face my weaknesses better because I know He will cover my weaknesses. Today I can face failure because I know He has the best plan for me and failures are for my learnings. I have confidence. And my confident come from Christ. He is the pillar of my life. So long as this pillar stood right in the centre of my life, I will not fall. So I really urge you as believers, get to know God more each day. Do not be complacent in your knowledge of Him but always be hungry to know Him even more. You can never fathom fully His character. There are always more to go. I hope this story able to show you how powerful God can be in times of trouble. Jesus be praised. Amen.
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